Venting

 Today things didnt turn out quite the way I'd hoped at the ultrasound.  I only had one good follicle and maybe one other one that could work. Disappointing after 4 tries, but like they say, you only need one.

Regardless, I got the HCG shot after the ultrasound and was on my way. 

It stings a little- but pretty much painless. This will make me ovulate.

Tomorrow is "Game Time". We start the IUI process-- Round 4. I'll talk more about IUI tomorrow.

I'd like to say I'm going into this with as much hope and gusto as I did the first time around, but I'm not.  Partly because I really wanted to see 4 follicles, and secondly because Jacob is sick.  Those of you who know Jacob, this means the end of the world has arrived. I feel bad for him, I do, it's not really his fault that his acid reflux causes him to aspirate into the lungs and cause problems but seriously can we get a break here! One of us has been sick every month since we started this process! This makes the whole baby making a little more difficult. But... power through! We just gotta do it. Send prayers Jacob's way for good health!

Today was one of those days where I was just in a funk. Just tired of the process. Frustrated with the waiting. Confused and asking why me. 

Have you ever been to the mall on a weekday? It's CRAWLING with young moms and their babies and PREGNANT ladies. Hi, everywhere I look there's new life! In the past year and a half I've watched 24 of my friends get the joy of announcing their pregnancy. 24!!! And that's just my friends and the ones I can remember!!  Really? 24 and not one of them experienced any difficulty in getting pregnant? It doesn't seem fair sometimes. 

Dont feel bad if you are one of those 24. Because even though I may not show it, I really am happy for you. There's nothing better than getting to enjoy that time.  I can recall countless times where I've seen those dreaded announcements on facebook. Or heard from their own mouths. Each time it takes me aback. A lot of times I cry. I remember one time I cried through an entire church service after learning of a friends pregnancy. I only allow myself one day of being depressed. When we first started this process I would get so depressed for days and I just cant allow myself to stay in that state. Gotta keep the faith! Keep moving on. There's nothing you can do and wallowing around will not help.

Last month, we finally came to a place where we were ok with adoption. I was actually kind of excited about it. I wanted to throw in the towel and go full force into it. But we prayed, and we feel like now is not the time for that. Maybe later. But not now. We need to continue this process for awhile. I dont have to like it--but I feel like that's the path God wants us on right now. 

I once heard someone describe infertility as "Living On A Bridge." I couldnt agree more. The land side is a season of having children and experiencing the joy of parenthood. The other side is a season of being married without kids. It's like being stuck in traffic-- there's nothing worse than waisting your time just sitting at a standstill, especially when you've got places to be! And if your stuck on a bridge, there's nowhere to go. No detours. You cant turn to the left or the right. There are no shortcuts.  

I saw this video on a fellow TTC (trying to conceive) site. It's a good representation of how I feel sometimes.

I Would Die For That 

I do not know what the future holds, but I do know that God is good. His intentions are good. He has my best interests at heart and knows my end from my beginning. Whatever the course He has for me, I will faithfully follow. Even when it hurts. Even when I dont understand. Even when I'm angry. Even when i'm sad.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight

Proverbs 3:5