Back in at the very beginning of June of 2009, I took a little test (pee'd on a stick!) and to my UTTER SHOCK it was positive! This was after months of trying, a few doctors visits, and it was my first cycle using the progesterone pills. I remember taking about 3 tests just to make sure! It was almost father's day weekend so I printed off a picture of the positive pregnancy test and put it in a fathers day card for Jacob. When he got home, I had him open it- it took him a second, but once he figured it out he was SO excited! He wanted to tell the whole world! I told him we each got to tell ONE person that day and we'd tell our parents soon after. It was so early on and everyone says to wait so that's what I planned on doing.
Shortly after, we told our parents who were both ecstatic, and like {finally!} And we told our siblings and a couple of close friends. It was hard to not rush out and tell everyone, and especially hard to keep a secret since I had to stop playing on my softball team! What was I going to tell them?!
Well I didnt have to worry about that for long.
About a week later I went to the mall with my mom and cousin. I hadn't been feeling that well that morning but who really feels that well in their first few weeks of pregnancy? When we got to Macy's, as soon as we got upstairs, I felt nauseous and week. I was crampy. I went to the restroom and my heart sank. My lungs gave out. My head instantly went blank. Then panick. Blood. And lot's of it. I screamed, "no! no!" not caring who was in the bathroom and ran out and told my mom what was going on. I told her I was going to go call Jacob and have him come get me and I went out to the car. I barely made it there I was in so much pain, physically & emotionally. I called Jacob and he immediately left his office to come get me. I crawled into my moms suburban and laid down, the cramps by now were so bad I couldn't help but scream.
I prayed. I cried. I begged. I cursed.
My mom came out and we tried to call the doctor, but their office is closed on Fridays and it's not an "emergency" if you're not over 16 weeks. We couldnt get through. My mom decided to take me to Kadlec ER. On the way there, I started puking.
By time we got to the ER I think most of the tissue has past because my nausea had gone away for the most part and my cramps were lessening. Although I was starting to go into shock. Jacob met me in the ER, with the triage nurse, in a wheelchair, his eyes bloodshot and swollen from tears on the way to me.
As they got me into a room and into my gown, thats when the shock hit. My body went ice cold and shaking uncontrollably. I could not stop and could not get warm. The nurses were so nice and piled the blankets on.
After blood tests and an ultra sound it was confirmed that I had completly miscarried.
Where do you go from here? Walking out of the hospital, with an empty womb that hours ago WAS carrying our precious baby, was one of the worst experiences of my life. We were numb. We didnt know what to say, where to go, what to do next. So we went to McDonald’s to get a milkshake.
At this point only my parents and cousin knew about what had happened. We knew we had to tell Jacob’s parents, but how do you break that news to people? Hey, we just lost the baby is not a natural thing that comes out of your mouth everyday. I remember sitting in the parking lot at Mcdonalds in Kennewick and watching as Jacob attempted to call his parents. He couldnt bare the thought of telling his mom, so he called his dad’s phone. But when his mom answered all he could managed to get out was hi mom… before he burst out into tears and hung up the phone.
We sat there together, me holding him this time, both grieving for what we had lost. When we got home, although it was still early in the afternoon, we curled up together in bed with our dog and slept and slept hard.
In those next few days I poured over research on miscarriages, luteal phase defects, infertility treatments. I did find that there is a very close correlation to low progesterone being a factor in early miscarriage, which was why I was on progesterone supplements. So why didnt my doctor keep me on the progesterone? I called her that next day and it took me getting through two receptionists, about 3 different phone calls, and a nurse to finally get an appointment. And I had to demand one pretty much. I could not believe all the hassle just to talk to my doctor after the horrific experience I’d just endured.
When we got to the appointment, my doctor had nothing to say. “I’m sorry for your loss. One in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. It’s normally the result of a genetic defect…” And that was that. No assurance, nothing about how to deal with this loss, nothing about the fact that they COULD have monitored me closer and perhaps checked my progesterone levels before they got so low. Onto the next client. Again, we were walking out of a doctors office lost.
I was glad for the nurses at Kadlec at this point-- they gave me brochures on miscarriage, a pamphlet for family and friends on how to help with grieving parents, and such. They were genuinely sad with me. I cant say the same about the actual ER Dr. But he IS a guy, and I guess I cant expect him to be that emotionally involved.
My due date was February 13, 2011.
Since that day I’ve undergone numerous blood tests, ultrasounds, post coital tests, thyroid checks, 4 rounds of Clomid, one round of Femara, trigger shots, and 8 IUI’s. None successful. More recently cysts were found and I had surgery to remove them and the endometriosis. I was told it was "pretty bad in there" and my left tube was completely blocked! I went through 4 months of Lupron shots with norethindrone and etheroidal until I said enough with that. Those were awful and had not so fun side effects. After that we did an HSG test to make sure my tubes were all clear and praise God they were! Two more months of waiting for my period to start again with nothing happening and we switched doctors. Two weeks after we met with him about starting over and trying naturally with the help of some drugs we finally got our miracle baby MUCH to our surprise!!!
Our precious little boy was born on July 9, 2012 and we have never been happier!
It was a LONG two years. A HARD two years. A STRETCHING two years. My husband and I have really had to pull together. We had to learn to pray differently. To really trust God. Together we watched 23 of our friends get pregnant (and pregnant again). It stung a little every time you get that call, to try and celebrate with those you care about all while tears are streaming down your face. Picking out shower gifts when you wish you were picking out your own little ones clothes. But we did know this. We WOULD have a little one to love some day. We didn’t know how, we didnt’t know when. We had to come to the point of being ok that He/she may not be biologically our own, but he will be loved as our own. God has a plan. And it is perfect. We kept trusting in that plan and enjoyed the time that he gave us as a married without kids couple and lived life to the fullest every step of the way. For those of you who are going through the same thing we did, we feel for you. We know what you’re going through. And we are praying for you. Don’t give up! Keep fighting the good fight! And we’re here for you if you need support!
